There’s so many times I think about posting in here, but it’s been difficult to make time for myself to process my thoughts let alone write about them. So, what a week of being HUMAN and trying to intentionally care for this aspect of myself, while also holding the responsibility for using my body to feed my baby. Postpartum has driven me right into a personal health crisis, which is luckily non emergent, but a massive shift from where I was prior to pregnancy. I am in pain again, I’m quite certain my thyroid is inflamed, and my kidneys are healing, but I can see from the size of my feet and ankles this morning, there is more to be done. I’m looking at this as yet another challenge to figure out how to heal myself naturally, as I will only ever use modern medicine for emergent care, despite being an RN. Baby is about 3.5 months old now and I have been experiencing relentless triggers around breastfeeding her. I struggled in the beginning, and then my nipples finally began healing and I had an enjoyable time feeding her for about 2 weeks until now. She’s apparently going through a growth spurt both physically and cognitively and it has been causing her to cry and whine while feeding, yank and clamp my nipples, and slap and kick me. Triggers of being used, my body being mistreated, not being good enough, feeling pressured and imprisoned are all on high volume and both anger and sadness have been arising constantly for me. I have been setting boundaries by taking her off when she begins acting like that, but really how can a mother set boundaries with a tiny human who is hungry and counts on them to provide the meal. It’s been so tragic for me to have these feelings and also realize how difficult it is to separate the pain and discomfort I am physically and emotionally experiencing, from her innocence and vulnerability. I had been breastfeeding exclusively because I am staying home to be her child care and I believe in the wisdom of the body, and although I think breast pumps are magical and necessary for many reasons, I think they allow us to mess with nature and I try to steer clear of that as often as possible. So anyway, I began pumping this week because I melted down and literally couldn’t take watching and feeling her hold my nipple in her mouth and rip it away from my body again. So now these past couple days I’ve been wearing a literal milking machine to try and begin collecting a stash for her. I’ve been feeling kind of disoriented these past couple days, and also blessed that my partner invested in a portable system for me, since I had to hold the ones that my insurance provided in place. Life feels like a lot right now, and I definitely feel like my frequency has taken a downturn from dealing with it, but I’m doing my best stay present and out of my head. I also received a strong awareness this week of exactly how much I have a personal dialogue about how “I am bad” and how nothing I do is ever good enough. I am grateful because it allows me to continue working with my inner child on this topic. Sending you ladies tons of love this week. I am hoping to attend ceremony soon, but most Sunday’s I do a farmers market with my partner and it leaves me watching baby all morning. 📸 it’s all for her

Posted by Carly Sweetman at 2022-08-21 15:22:56 UTC